I left the clinic feeling devastated and desponded. Doc extended my medical leave and I have to be reviewed next week. While the skin was healing, the nerve pain was not getting any better. Doc told me to increase Lyrica from 1 to 2 tablets at night. I asked him how long can I take this medication and he replied that some patients take it for weeks! Though I know it before hand that nerve pains can last for a long time as it also takes a long time for an inflamed nerve to heal, hearing it from my Doc somewhat made me feel worse. I asked him why the pain was more intense in the night that I could not even sleep and he told me perhaps it was I am more aware of it at night while there were more distractions in the day. What a logical but lame reason I thought. Anyway, I know at this stage, the Doc is managing my pain more than the disease itself.
I came home and felt even more depressed. The unbearable pain of my left hand and shoulder was still there. But the mental pain of me suffering from lupus and then shingles, causing inconvenience to my family and colleagues, reducing me to a dependable and unpredictable person suddenly became too much for me to bear. I wonder what I have done that I deserved this punishment. I wonder why my life was always full of obstacles. I was so tired, feel like giving up and disappearing from this world and not care about anything. I laid down on my bed and started crying non-stop.
I felt much better after the crying. Guess it was an outlet for all the emotions I was bottling up for weeks. Illness can be a emotion draining journey for many. But then, when I saw the images of the damages caused by Japan's earthquake and tsunami, I realised I am the lucky one who is alive here receiving treatment. My pain will come and go. I just need more patient and endurance. But for those who lost their homes, their loved ones and perhaps everything in all these natural disasters, their pains may never go away.